Another Spectrum

Personal ramblings and rants of a somewhat twisted mind

Special people


On Saturday I and two of my siblings travelled the three hours to Opunake to a commemoration service for an aunt. I’m in my 70s and the two siblings are knocking on the door of 70, and attending funerals, commemorations and celebrations of lives of recently departed is becoming more frequent by the year.

This particular service was called a commemoration as the aunt died in January, but due to the restrictions on international travel imposed by Covid, it was felt more appropriate to delay the funeral until as many as possible would be able to attend. Instead of there being a presence of a body in a casket, there were her ashes in an urn on a table amidst flowers, photographs and a candle. Somewhere between 200 and 300 attended

Looking back on the services I have attended over recent years, it struck me that the only “real” Christian funeral was that of my mother. All the rest either ignored Christian theology altogether or at best may have included a token hymn that reflected an aspect of the deceased’s life more than anything specifically Christian.

Like all the others I have attended (apart from my mother’s) there has been no mention of God or gods, Jesus or an the expectation of an afterlife in heaven or hell. The only token towards a cultural Christianity was a quip by one speaker who mentioned that if her late husband was the one designated to drive her to the pearly gates in his much loved orange Vauxhall Viva, she’d probably wish to be somewhere else – anywhere else. He had a reputation for loudly expressing his view that he was the only competent driver in the world (and probably in heaven), although it was evident to everyone else that he wasn’t.

Aunty Joan was my father’s oldest sister and was just a few weeks short of her 105th birthday. She was one of twelve siblings, of whom only two remain. I was going to title this piece “Another one bites the dust” in light of that comment being made in jest by one of her remaining brothers, but I suspect some of my readers might not think too kindly about such an irreverent phrase, particularly if they have experienced a recent loss of their own.

On the drive back, my brother, who is neither a Christian nor religious made the comment that Aunty Joan was a true Christian, and the world could do with more people like her. My sister and I agreed, but I quipped that a great many fundamentalist Christians would disagree. It all comes down to what one considers “being Christian” is all about.

I live in a society that is secular but nominally “Christian”, and as best as I can recognise, the religious beliefs of Kiwis has changed little over my lifetime. What has changed is what Kiwis consider “being Christian” is. Until the 1960s, most Kiwis regardless of their religiosity would have been offended if they were described as not being Christian. Being Christian did not centre around belief but around action. One was judged by their deeds – generosity of heart and spirit, helping those in need regardless of one’s own circumstances, listening, caring, being supportive and being a warrior of whatever one perceived as social justice.

What has changed over recent decades has been that the concept of “being a Christian” no longer has that meaning. Lead by the importation of fundamentalism it’s become all about belief – having a specific sort of faith, and that “good works” count for nothing. Perhaps if one does “good works” for the purpose of salvation (whatever that is) then just maybe they do count for little. But people such as Aunty Joan never gave salvation a second thought. They give of themselves because, in good conscience, they could not ignore the needs of others.

For old schoolers such as myself, Christianity was (and I’m using the past tense deliberately) about one’s relationship to humanity (Love your neighbour as yourself). Today it seems that for some Christians, all that matters is one’s relationship with a deity and the worshipping of “His” Bible.

Sixty years ago I too would have been offended if someone had declared I wasn’t a Christian. Today, I’d be offended if they said I was. It’s not that my beliefs or values have changed significantly, it’s because the common understanding of what being a Christian has undergone a radical change under the influence of the fundamentalist evangelical movement. That’s why today, if someone asks if I’m a Christian, I always ask what they mean by being Christian. I’m unlikely to be in agreement with many who are younger than fifty.

The following is a poem by David Harkins that was presented at the service. I felt it was most appropriate.

You can shed tears that she is gone
Or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she will come back
Or you can open your eyes and see all that she has left.
Your heart can be empty because you can’t see her
Or you can be full of the love that you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her and only that she is gone
Or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back
Or you can do what she would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

Author: Barry

A post war baby boomer from Aotearoa New Zealand who has lived with migraines for as long as I can remember and discovered I am autistic at the age of sixty. I blog because in real life I'm somewhat backwards about coming forward with my opinions.

5 thoughts on “Special people

  1. sorry for your loss, Barry and since I agree with David Harkins, smile, open your eyes and go on.
    Now, attending a funeral here is a full blown church service with solicitations that heaven open its gates to the departed. I find this one you relate more beautiful and what I would want for my funeral.

    • Perhaps it’s because I have alexithymia or perhaps it’s because of the way I perceive the ebb and flow of life, but I struggle with the concept of “loss” when someone dies. To me, a person is much more the values they express than a physical presence. And those values exist, whether or not the vessel is alive. For the most part, and this includes my parents, I feel no more loss when they die than I do when they leave the room. It’s a very poor analogy i admit, and for that I can blame alexithymia, as one of its indicators is problems with introspection, or observing one’s own mental and emotional processes.

      And on a lighter note: I know that the use of “sorry” in these circumstances is meant to convey empathy (for an emotion I don’t actually feel), but for me it always feels like am apology. If I had my way, its use would be banned. Instead people could say things such as: “I empathise with your loss” or “she’s gone but not forgotten”when they wish to indicate a sharing of emotion; “I apologise for your loss” or “I apologise for my part in her death” when they are in some way responsible for the death and wish to express regret; or “I’m responsible for her death” or “I killed her” if there’s no regret. It would make my life so much easier and less confusing 🙂

      • Generally I prefer silence when dealing with loss of a loved one. And if one must speak I find such statements as we loved you bit god loved you more really meaningless.

  2. Hmmm. A couple of years ago, I titled one of my blog-post-eulogies “another one bites the dust.” So typical of me to be unintentionally offensive. When the topic of christianity comes up (true christianity, not bible thumping), I try to narrow the definition to ‘Christ-like behavior’. I’m no theologian, but I’m pretty sure there are no bible references to Christ excluding someone in the kingdom of god because they were gay.

  3. Yes! It’s not just a matter of reading the right book. (So much bigger than that.)

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